Sunday, March 10, 2013

Back to nothing again

So, what else is new?
Till now, she just refuse to give me what I want.
Just an answer to Yes or No if she really wants me to go. I will go, but I just want an answer.
THAT'S IT! A fuckin' answer. But NOOOO!!!

She rather chose to make things hard again.  It's just a YES or a NO!!

She rather break it down to "Again" and "Up to you" and screw things up all over again.

All I wanted is just a simple "YES" and I'll let it slide.
She CAN express herself, but she just DON'T WANT TO. Rather fuck it all up.

Yeah, everyone's been telling me that she's not even trying last night. I tried to get her to give me and answer. But Nooo~.
It's always the usual "You can say what you want, up to you" line.
It proves everyone's theory right.
Now, as she said that she has strong feelings for me. Is it real? Is it even mutual? Why can't she try to make me feel it? Or just expect me to know what she's thinking overnight.
I don't think so. I always told her to just say it out. Tell me something instead of those usual lines. And now she's asking me, What do I want?

Talking to her makes me feels as if I'm talking to a wall. I expect an opinion, discuss things just like any other couple.
I want a second opinion. Instead of showing concern if I'll be busy, any difficulties in my leave application like what she used to, she'll just say "Up to you".
And the reason was EPIC... that I should know as I'm already an adult.
I was just trying to re-create the mood and feeling we had just as we started out in this relationship. I've been doing that for so long, and now all she can say is it's all Up to me??? Really?

Now I'm trying to keep this relationship alive. Knowing she's already stressed up, just trying to keep her happy and stuff. That's the least I could do. Now our relationship is a rocky patch. It isn't easy trying to keep up with a long distance relationship. I had to make it feel new, and fresh, and the most important of all, maintaining that same enthusiasm exactly when we first started out.

I'm having all kinds of stress over here too, my life isn't easy either. But enough about my stress, what about her stress.
She told me about her principal seeing her. But she didn't even want to mention about her difficulties.
She don't even want to inform me the first thing when she reached home I don't even know where she is ,worrying about her safety.
By the time she is available to chat, I already am exhausted from the day itself.
Just keeping myself occupied with thoughts of work is bad enough, followed by her safety.

I can't take this anymore. Seriously. I need an even higher dosage of medication, to counter my depression. I tried to think about the times we were so happy being together in Hong Kong. That is the only thing left to keep holding me back. The only thing I can focus on.
I'm really exhausted, both emotionally and mentally.
Can you imagine that with your partner just keep refusing to tell you anything just because you tend to over-reacted at times, but it's all just to show her concern?

I really am exhausted, trying to let it go.
This morning, I keep telling myself. Screw the trip. If she doesn't want me to go that much, just focus on my job. I will never go for another trip ever again. I could have pay more for my debts instead of wasting money on air tickets so she can just fuck up my mood to see her.
Don't like to Skype during lunch? No phone calls? Really?
I tried very hard to resist having negative thoughts. But this is really emotionally taxing.

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