End it all

And now it comes to a point, we'll just end it all.

Just said there's nothin' good about me!
The only good thing about me is able to solve her IT problems. How cruel is that?

She's been patient with me, faithful enough, trying to held on to this relationship that's not going anywhere. Yet the key problem is still me I guess.

Oh well, she's gone. And now it's back to returning each other our gifts I supposed. If that's what she wants...

And now, I'm having many job opportunities. Anyway, I gotta stop all the whining and get my ass back to work.

Having many things to see to, I'm starting to get a little way ahead of myself.

Back to nothing again

So, what else is new?
Till now, she just refuse to give me what I want.
Just an answer to Yes or No if she really wants me to go. I will go, but I just want an answer.
THAT'S IT! A fuckin' answer. But NOOOO!!!

She rather chose to make things hard again.  It's just a YES or a NO!!

She rather break it down to "Again" and "Up to you" and screw things up all over again.

All I wanted is just a simple "YES" and I'll let it slide.
She CAN express herself, but she just DON'T WANT TO. Rather fuck it all up.

Yeah, everyone's been telling me that she's not even trying last night. I tried to get her to give me and answer. But Nooo~.
It's always the usual "You can say what you want, up to you" line.
It proves everyone's theory right.
Now, as she said that she has strong feelings for me. Is it real? Is it even mutual? Why can't she try to make me feel it? Or just expect me to know what she's thinking overnight.
I don't think so. I always told her to just say it out. Tell me something instead of those usual lines. And now she's asking me, What do I want?

Talking to her makes me feels as if I'm talking to a wall. I expect an opinion, discuss things just like any other couple.
I want a second opinion. Instead of showing concern if I'll be busy, any difficulties in my leave application like what she used to, she'll just say "Up to you".
And the reason was EPIC... that I should know as I'm already an adult.
I was just trying to re-create the mood and feeling we had just as we started out in this relationship. I've been doing that for so long, and now all she can say is it's all Up to me??? Really?

Now I'm trying to keep this relationship alive. Knowing she's already stressed up, just trying to keep her happy and stuff. That's the least I could do. Now our relationship is a rocky patch. It isn't easy trying to keep up with a long distance relationship. I had to make it feel new, and fresh, and the most important of all, maintaining that same enthusiasm exactly when we first started out.

I'm having all kinds of stress over here too, my life isn't easy either. But enough about my stress, what about her stress.
She told me about her principal seeing her. But she didn't even want to mention about her difficulties.
She don't even want to inform me the first thing when she reached home I don't even know where she is ,worrying about her safety.
By the time she is available to chat, I already am exhausted from the day itself.
Just keeping myself occupied with thoughts of work is bad enough, followed by her safety.

I can't take this anymore. Seriously. I need an even higher dosage of medication, to counter my depression. I tried to think about the times we were so happy being together in Hong Kong. That is the only thing left to keep holding me back. The only thing I can focus on.
I'm really exhausted, both emotionally and mentally.
Can you imagine that with your partner just keep refusing to tell you anything just because you tend to over-reacted at times, but it's all just to show her concern?

I really am exhausted, trying to let it go.
This morning, I keep telling myself. Screw the trip. If she doesn't want me to go that much, just focus on my job. I will never go for another trip ever again. I could have pay more for my debts instead of wasting money on air tickets so she can just fuck up my mood to see her.
Don't like to Skype during lunch? No phone calls? Really?
I tried very hard to resist having negative thoughts. But this is really emotionally taxing.

What else?

Last Saturday, we had a fight again.
Now, it has come to a rather limited mutual understanding of each other's needs.
Just close one eye, and let it slip. Continue and resume the usual nonsense as before.

Aaaand, the other news. Boss is sick, but still, he's cool.
While I had Wendy's Beef Baconator once again! Boy it was good... But previously, it was better when it has triple patties instead of just 2. I won't mind paying extras for that thou.

Did I mentioned that I just re-arranged my bedroom again? But hey, at least I managed to pushed my good'ol TV further back, with enough space for a laptop/keyboard.

Booya!