Wednesday, February 13, 2013


Last night after the movie, I confessed everything. Told her everything about how I felt... She asked me if I'm looking for companionship or a girlfriend... love doesn't mean just being together, sex and kisses.

I knew that, that's why I'm putting all I have into this relationship. I know I understand love differently, that's why I can only 'love' with limited feelings.
I am constantly learning.
I tried telling her and she tried to cut me off...
I told her I tried 100%... she scoffed at me by saying to her it's not 100%... maybe to her it's not 100% compared to other guys... but this is all I know, and all I have. I'm putting everything into this relationship. I know I'm nothing compared to others, so the least I can do is to giving my best to understand her feelings, being there when she needed support the most.

But everytime I tried to tell her, she kept shutting me off.

I guess we're not meant for each other... this is the real state of our relationship other than those times pretending to be who she's not. I know it's only a matter of time we will face this problem... I just want to let her know what I'm thinking and how I felt.
I just want to be normal, being together, going thru all those problems together, understand her needs and feelings, shower her the love she needs.

I know love to me is different from what love is to her.
Love is something I lack, I have none of my parents attention, no one gave me anything, showered me with care and concern, no one bothers with how I felt.
I recognise these needs and I also try to consider them as 'Love'. I tried.
I asked her to teach me how to 'love'... instead she told me off, as a 33 year old man, it's not learning.... it's the understanding part.
Now that did broke my heart. I kept thinking of how much of a failure I am... as a person.
I tried being positive but her constant negativity keeps putting me at bay.

Yesterday, she tried all ways to avoid holding hands, I asked if there's anything on her mind, she kept saying know. Yet her body language tells me everything... Avoiding of eye contacts, refusing a conversation, everything. I knew something was wrong.

And then she said something is wrong with me, there's something on my mind...
Now I just want to be reasonable and want to find out if there's anything I can do.
But it turns out, perhaps it is she who don't know what she wants... I don't know...
This relationship is hanging by the thread...

I think I've lost her... seriously!

I mean, I got all her hints, the way she talks, the cold treatment she's been giving me... Physically, she's here to celebrate valentine's day with me... but her mind and her heart isn't here... it's as if she's here because she promised to do so... just that...
This isn't the girl that got me falling in love for... I just want to know what's wrong... but she just refused to open up to me no matter how hard I tried opening up to her.

Even if I open up to her, it seems that in her eyes, I'm always a liar.
What had I done to deserve this?

There's no one else I can share with... no one else to talk to... only her. But she treats me just like how others treated me... not taking my feelings seriously... constant cutting me off... is it so hard to find a life partner and a soulmate?

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