Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Nothing good came from her. Now she just lost my phone to some pickpocket.
Yes, in CHINA, land of scumbags, I always said, just be careful. keep your hands in your pockets. She kept saying not everyone are as bad as I thought.
We are living in dangerous times, especially when you're alone in the land of scumbags.
Dropped the idea of Shanghai trip. I don't think I want to get robbed blind anyway.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Been enjoying my work and life. Not much into communicating with her anymore. Communication isn't just recording your smooches and keep saying the same thing. If she don't want to talk about problems and daily stuff, I'm out.
I tried what I can, apparently its she who doesn't get it.
She said I'm not even giving 40% even thou I'm giving everything. Now, i don't even care anymore.
Set a dinner appointment with someone else and enjoyed an evening of a conversation that includes common interests. Not just what we are about to do when I get there.
Anyway, it seems that I have to build another image based on 32-bit edition of Windows 7 by tomorrow. Gotta start all those tweakings. Handing the job to someone else is indeed a chore.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Been keeping myself busy with testing of new equipments, finally get things to run in Windows 7. Except for some Windows 8 only features.
A colleague gave me a piece of advice on my personal life. Do not bother with expensive gifts. And also, do not put all your eggs in one basket.
That kinda makes sense... and a few things I don't like, no matter how hard I tried to put up with it and move on..
including, dislike children and old people, and 'friends' who meddle with my relationships, and using the F word on me FIRST!
You see, she's a rather contradicting person. She told me it disgust her that I'm having grudges and being insensitive... then again, I didn't see anything wrong with her pushing old women aside.
As for her friends, did she really give up? I'm wondering. Then again, time to put myself back on the market, seek alternatives as plan B.
She didn't really bother to text me anyway, why should I bother much? Maybe giving my attention to other people seems like a better bet.
Care and concern for her family... All I did was plan to gave my nephew my old iPad, and she was like, why not give it to HER niece?
Some kid I never met before, with an asshole as a mom.
Actually, I started to care lesser each and everyday. I'm trying not to put too much hopes onto this relationship. Maybe he's right, ya know?
A month ago, I would have bought her that Note 2 phone. Now? After all those insults from her friend? Nope. I'm keeping my wallet deep down in my pocket.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
She's been keeping it all to herself, leaving me walking blindly.
I did some soul searching, I want to be with her more badly than ever!
I asked some friends, especially Amy, if I am that arrogant, unapproachable... Yes, she said.
I got to watch my mouth and lower that arrogance... maybe she's right... all these, doesn't suit my knowledge and intelligence...
I tried to change and mellow down serious ever since I talked to her mom...
It's time I start showing more care and concern towards her family and friends...
She need her friends... there's no way she can live like I do.
I don't feel like talking much these days, even people in my office feel that too...
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Last night after the movie, I confessed everything. Told her everything about how I felt... She asked me if I'm looking for companionship or a girlfriend... love doesn't mean just being together, sex and kisses.
I knew that, that's why I'm putting all I have into this relationship. I know I understand love differently, that's why I can only 'love' with limited feelings.
I am constantly learning.
I tried telling her and she tried to cut me off...
I told her I tried 100%... she scoffed at me by saying to her it's not 100%... maybe to her it's not 100% compared to other guys... but this is all I know, and all I have. I'm putting everything into this relationship. I know I'm nothing compared to others, so the least I can do is to giving my best to understand her feelings, being there when she needed support the most.
But everytime I tried to tell her, she kept shutting me off.
I guess we're not meant for each other... this is the real state of our relationship other than those times pretending to be who she's not. I know it's only a matter of time we will face this problem... I just want to let her know what I'm thinking and how I felt.
I just want to be normal, being together, going thru all those problems together, understand her needs and feelings, shower her the love she needs.
I know love to me is different from what love is to her.
Love is something I lack, I have none of my parents attention, no one gave me anything, showered me with care and concern, no one bothers with how I felt.
I recognise these needs and I also try to consider them as 'Love'. I tried.
I asked her to teach me how to 'love'... instead she told me off, as a 33 year old man, it's not learning.... it's the understanding part.
Now that did broke my heart. I kept thinking of how much of a failure I am... as a person.
I tried being positive but her constant negativity keeps putting me at bay.
Yesterday, she tried all ways to avoid holding hands, I asked if there's anything on her mind, she kept saying know. Yet her body language tells me everything... Avoiding of eye contacts, refusing a conversation, everything. I knew something was wrong.
And then she said something is wrong with me, there's something on my mind...
Now I just want to be reasonable and want to find out if there's anything I can do.
But it turns out, perhaps it is she who don't know what she wants... I don't know...
This relationship is hanging by the thread...
I think I've lost her... seriously!
I mean, I got all her hints, the way she talks, the cold treatment she's been giving me... Physically, she's here to celebrate valentine's day with me... but her mind and her heart isn't here... it's as if she's here because she promised to do so... just that...
This isn't the girl that got me falling in love for... I just want to know what's wrong... but she just refused to open up to me no matter how hard I tried opening up to her.
Even if I open up to her, it seems that in her eyes, I'm always a liar.
What had I done to deserve this?
There's no one else I can share with... no one else to talk to... only her. But she treats me just like how others treated me... not taking my feelings seriously... constant cutting me off... is it so hard to find a life partner and a soulmate?
I was pondering. I met her for dinner. But she doesn't seem interested. She's rather quiet than before.
And I noticed her finishing half a pack of cigarettes which she received from her uncle yesterday.
I tried asking if there's anything bothering her. She said No.
I can feel a greater distance between us. How can I make her feel better?
I know she asked if my mom is cooking dinner. Then backed out since its too far. I'm not sure if anything happened between us or did she thought of something.
The only time I go her attention is told her that Sally called. Now I'm not keen in contacting Sally.
Now here's the story. 2009, she chose the other guy. 2011, she did it again. And now she called be because she has nobody to talk to.
I just had to break all contacts with her ever since.
Now I'm not keen in her condition, so I just told her I'm happily attached, wished her luck and I am busy right now, then I hung up.
Anyway, people have been telling me not to pin all hopes on her, telling me to look for others. Honestly, that sickens me. ALOT!!
She does has her merits too. Ya' know.
I can't help but to isolate myself from them.
You don't give advices for matters of the heart if you don't consider how both parties feel.
I just want to focus on my job today and spend time with her.
I appreciate the fact that she has been patient with me. I am who I am, even thou I want to be a better person for her.
Its not use telling a person who has nothing, to work for himself, he who has nothing has no MOTIVATION!!
Don't they just get it?
I'm done for the night. I am going to spend some time with her.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Just when I thought I can move on, and forget the past, I just sent a greetings to one of my ex.
As usual, my previous competitors disappointed her, and she made the wrong choice. But then again, it's her own doing, and I'm just there to send a greetings anyway.
Now, I gotta focus on my current girlfriend.
Tomorrow will be the start of my work week. I'm kind of excited.
My mom's been rather happy with her, along with my grandmother and aunts. I guess that's for now.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Things seem better for us, but her mom left me the impression that they don't like me.
You know, when people said that "he's OK" actually means "go for someone else if possible".
Yesterday, she dropped hints I guess. As in the "told her ex not to contact anymore" the moment she touched down in Hong Kong part. Despite after taking wedding photos.
Not sure if it'll happen to me too.
Was that a hint or am I being too sensitive?
I'm confused right now.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Trying to put myself back together, and focus on my job which I've been neglecting recently.
Was issued with this new Samsung Series 9 ultrabook. Awesome product, and I got to build a Windows 7 image over the default Windows 8 to be used in our environment.
Had an earful of lecture last night, was glad that she called... i know I should have given more space to breath...
Last night, my heart sank when I realized that she's having a severe heartache.
She's all alone over there suffering while I'm nitpicking over every small details.
I should have treated her right.
I wish I can spend time with her...
I want to spend my holidays with her but it seems impossible.
What else can I do but to watch her going back while there's nothing I can do...
I doubt I will even have the chance to even see her off.
What are the chances of me being able to rebuild this relationship? I'm lost.. really.
Trying not to pass on my medication and try to recover.
Meantime, treasure every moments I can salvage. Be someone better for her. This is all I wish to focus on besides work
I really want to be together with her.
You know what? I really should learn to think positively.
Giving her all the care I can.
Watch my verbal abusing mouth.
That will be the resolution for this year.
I will try to be the best husband worthy of her love.
I don't know. She said she still has feelings for me. What if it's not the same again?
Even if we do patch up, we have to keep this relationship a low profile.
That means, not being able to celebrate together. What's the difference? This defeats the whole meaning of our relationship.
I am so confused. I have no appetite today. Noticed myself losing weight from lack of appetite and sleep.
Moving on? I doubt I can find someone nice like her.
Yes her friends are in the way. What can I do? Even if they're all assholes
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
And the most sickening part is her friend keeps bashing me all over again!! Fabricating all facts. Bitches.
Friends are glad we never made it to a marriage, as they said that they can easily tell she's not ready to fully commit. Rather plan for outings and gatherings than to reply your own boyfriend. How nice. Better luck!!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
My phone is quiet, despite the fact I've been frantically looking at it, hoping that she'll call.
It did rang alright, but it wasn't her. My heart sunk into the abyss.
Self-pity? not my style.
Hope? I've lost all hope.
All efforts were made to contact her but it's not working.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
I actually lied to my friend that I'm seeing other girls.
But the truth is, I'm trying to separate work from personal life.
What I really did was to wait for her reply. I just want to be there for her.
Hoping that she'll tell me all of her troubles rather than just the word "STRESSED".
I can be a listening ear. All these while I've tried my best to be encouraging her to do what's best.
BUT!! It backfired on me. Why? I LOST HER THAT'S WHY!!!!!
What sickens me is the fact that my own girlfriend started deleting my contact in WeChat, blocked me in Line.
Why? Beats me. It all started when she posted our photo together saying she will always remember the moments we had. Days later, BAM! I see 0 posts.
Not only that, I only caught a glimpse of her uploaded photos before I'm blocked again. No replies, no calls, nothing.
Of course I'm mad. Who won't?
Then, my anger took the better of me.
What else, I guess she wanted to break up with me without my knowledge.
I don't wish to say much when I drop her stuff at her mom's.
I have no mood to say much. Overall, I was really disappointed in this relationship ending up to be in this sorry state.
What had I done? I tried to talk to her. But my anger from my life holds me back. I don't wish to sound offensive to her.
Nightmares of her having an affair just like those before her kept coming up. Why? I don't know.
I can't get any work done today, I just can't get my mind off her and what happened recently.
I know I appear cold to her, but that's because I have no wish to hurt her with my words.
Friends I know aren't reliable when it comes to listening, only make up sarcasms telling me that there are other fishes out in the sea.
The truth is, I just want THIS fish!! I just want to settle down with her.
I know I've mentioned before that I'm gonna be going for sterilizing but then again, I changed my mind. Why? Because it puts a frown on her face.
Everyday I look forward towards this day. THIS DAY!!
I want to fetch her from the airport. But she rejected my intentions, next thing is, I was ignored.
I even tried to find those movies she wanted to watch and try to make the best out of the remaining budget I have to make her happy. But now look what have I DONE??!!
Do I really love her? HELL YEAH!! No one motivates me like how she did. Her smile, laughter, how sweet she is while holding my hands, trying not to let go. Constant reassuring me that I will never be left alone.
I want all these moments back!!! I want it to be forever.