Better

After we ended all these, back to my normal life. Changed my phone, got the new lens, maybe even the new iPad air. Life is finally getting better with lesser worries.
Just keep focusing on my job.

About me

Never a good boyfriend, high expectations of everyone. Hard to please.

Who am I?

I really start to think continuing this relationship is a big mistake.
So much as "I miss you" before she came back.
The moment she touched down, she's so cold to me as usual. I really think she's just bullshitting me all along. Wasting my time.

Keep challenging me, say NO the moment she knew it's a family dinner together.
No kisses, no hugs, no pleasant words. Just meet for dinner, watch movies, sleep. Feels as if she's taking me for a ride.

Am I still considered as her boyfriend? For real?

Or her friend has been stalking my private information like this blog for instance, and trying to break us up. For what? Just want her to be as miserable as she is.

I know I'm not the best guy around, but at least I bothered to plan steps ahead when it comes to her.

This is really going downhill. I don't know how can I continue to live with this. I can say, in a few months later when she's bad, it's gonna get worse I tell'ya.

And now... About my work

Work has been better. You know, having someone not as knowledgable in technical terms as a leader, really kinda ticks me off. But!!! I've play nice.

Few days ago, he asked for my feedback. I told him that he's too nice to the big asshole, instead of learning to reject him once in a while, unlike his predecessor.
But of course, I couldn't just call him a big loser. It's not even fair to him.

Had a couple of new co-workers, there's this new guy, who is kinda like me, but of course, not as logical and capable of survival skills like me. But I kinda appreciate his enthusiasm thou.
Yeah yeah, I call him something else behind his back, but then again, I kinda understand his background. Reminds me of myself when I was younger.
I started to keep myself in check, show him the ropes and try to guide, and groom him bit by bit.

There's many things about me, being a good and a bad person. But this dude makes me at least try to be nice and patient. I guess I've found a successor after all.

Yeah sometimes, the way he handle things, made me wanna call him a nutjob. But then again, he needs an opportunity to shine. There it is, right off the bat. I'm going easy on him. But starting tomorrow, he'll have to start to fend off the sharks.

I can't be there to help him forever.

One thing I can't stand is, him telling me that I should go for professional certificates. Unlike him, I prefer to really understand things than just to get certificates.

This is the part which I love about my job... uniquely challenging.
Even without attending the courses, I've written 2 guides so far. Even though it's rather basic, but still considered as bread'n'butter for malware analysis in our environment.

Meantime, I'll still try my best to guide him whenever I can. As for the rest, we all have a lot to learn from one another.

Another day

Things were rather smooth for me.

Went out with this girl. A bit on the 'Fat' factor. I don't mind. But anyway, she doesn't seem to be that keen on both occassions.

Met Serina for dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Things were great, although I can't really make it for the horror movie date shortly after.

My Ex wants to be together again. Seriously, I'll just wait for that stupid idiot to be back on October, use her to transport my stuff back here, and get back my other stuff. Then, I'll dump her for good. It's either me, or that slut she calls as a friend.

Been paying my mom a visit on a weekly basis for last month. And getting to know this young girl.

This girl, sounds innocent at first, but as days went by, boy! She's one lady with high sex drive, but low in confidence. Now I'm trying to get to know her better. Is she going to end up being my next girlfriend? I have no idea. I'm pretty interested in her other qualities thou. You know, able to make talks and such. Hopefully not to end up like that previous wretch.

I'm dead on serious about Serina, but there's no sparks between the both of us. Everything seems pretty casual, along with her busy schedule, in both work and social, I'm not very sure if I can start to settle down with her.

As for my other ex. Always got time for all sorts of trips, but just no time for me. Celebrate my birthday? My Ass. It's always disappointment year after year. Think I'll keep her around as friends with benefits. Boy I miss her firm boobs.

Now...

After a dramatic month, I've managed to pay off some bills and shit.
And I find this new girl to be rather.... irritating. You know, showing concern, and stuff like that. I'm not the type of person who will fall for that. I appreciate it at first, but it gets overwhelming, I literally told her to fuck off.
Aaaaand she's gone. My life is quiet once again, and it feels really good.

And now, the previous bitch still refuses to return my stuff back to me.
I remember she told me not to worry, and she WILL return all my stuff to me. That was in March. And back in May, she said the same thing. Now, it's July. Nothing back from that bitch.

Out of boredom, I decided to send her another e-mail again, to remind her.

Yeah I don't wish for her to keep anything that belongs to me. Seriously, if I can't really have her heart, might as well burn it all. She's as good as dead to me really.

Oooo I can't really wait to see her reply. It's gonna hurt deep. But hey, an EX is still an EX. No point being nice to each other after all those shit she's put me thru. I bet she found someone else to leave her legs wide open for.

And now enough about her, me, I met someone else for movie, can't really stand her sacarsm, while I was just trying to be nice, guess I won't be seeing her again.
Another one, but as always, stupid and dump, late as usual, can't stop window shopping as if I'm her fuckin' boyfriend. I'm not her boyfriend, and why would I need to accompany her in shopping? Meh.

As for my other ex, always busy, being nice to every other people, and acts as an asshole towards me.
Neglected me, and only bother to be nice to me, attend to me with the intention of getting a loan from me. This isn't the first time it happens, and if I loan her the money, most probably she'll just be busy all over again, and ignored me. So, consider her gone as well. As for those stupid kitties I've bought? Guess I'll save it for my other agenda.

Tempting

Yeah I've been neglected, so I guess it's time I start off with someone else. Really!

The feeling of someone looking forward in getting your attention is nice and warm. You know, it's like, homely feel. But I gotta keep myself in check.

Just another day

Again, I have no idea what I should do at work, I just feel lost these days. Trying to get my shit together.

Gotta cash the cheque and pay my bills. I hope everything goes well for me, I mean Seriously!!

This meeting doesn't really do any good.
And did I just heard 'sluts' instead of 'slides'?

Powerpoint sluts? haha!

Don't feel like doing anything

Yup, I've said it. Don't feel like doing anything at work. I don't know why. But I've lost the motivation to keep trying. Its like I'm no good at doing anything.

And it's been weeks, still no news.of her returning my stuff. Damn it. That stupid bitch. It's over between us. I don't have any intention of looking back.

No burdens, no worries. Don't want to be reminded how pissed I get everytime.

Stop giving!

Just a couple of weeks ago, I told her that I want my things back, and I will send her back her things once she's given me her address.
But NO!!! This time, she wants to be back together. Sorry, there's someone else willing to give in.
At first, I never said that I want to be back. I just said that I hate to make her sad again. And she assumes that we're back together.

Great for her, kept telling me the usual good night, love this and that shit. No real conversation over here.
I'm starting to get tired of receiving her voice messages. Started to tell her to stop doing it, since I can't be bothered for real.

And now, she's saying that my words a hurtful, and would rather I ditch her than to kill her slowly. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I INTENDED TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE!! STUPID FUCK!!!

I don't care even if she had another car accident last night. She's always too stupid to watch the fuckin' road!!! She can die there if she wants to, I don't care!!

And I'm tired of this shit with her keep asking me when do I want to visit her. I'm not interested in travelling just because of her. She blew it the last round, and I am definitely not going to spend so much time and money just to get myself pissed over there.

Yeah she can't come back, but so what? It has nothing to do with me! All I wanted is a clean break. Nothing more to do with each other. The End. Period. Passe~  Whatever.

If she can't even let me feel secured in the relationship, without letting her friend interfere with our lives, I would have given it one more shot. BUT NO!!! I'm not going to do it. Enough is enough.

My life is getting better, I just got promoted. Deleted all our photos together, moving on into a better lifestyle.
Heck, my bonus is coming next week and I can't wait to knock off some bills. And I got my mom an iPad mini for mother's day last week. Everything went better ever since that broke up. It's not the end of the world, or anything close.

Life goes on

Now, my contract is almost up, offered miserable increment, which I'm not pleased even a little bit. And now further news till date. Gotta job hunt for a while.

And after given myself some thoughts for the past 7 weeks since the broke up, I've decided to end this.
Wanted to get her address so I can return her things, and hope to get back mine, she wanted to do it in person.
By that time comes, its next year. Now I'm not keen in waiting, tired of waiting. I just want to get it done and over with.

Now she claims she love me as always, bullshit.
She loves her friend more than anything else, and she called me useless, no good for her, nothing good in me. Fine.
I don't really care. I don't wish to see her.
She started a drama, which obviously I'm not even keen on. Just want to get her address, and get over it.

Yeah she informed me that they're extending her stay for another 6 months. Honestly, since the breakup, its got nothing to do with me.
Now I'm starting to put myself together, start seeing other people, and forget about this fucked up relationship.  

Another day of WTF

Ooook... Coolest stuff, got to learn something on this spur-of-the moment trip to Kuala Lumpur.
Shit happens, ya'know. Security issues and all.
Good point is, I've got more stuff to learn and pushing my brain cells to finally start working.

Met another of my ex-girlfriend for dinner, and we patched up somehow. She still insists that I'm the only person who bothers to make her smile and stuff.

Anyway, she did sent us off all the way to the boarding stages after all.

Touched down, thought of the worst possible happened. Tried my own way of tracking down those fuckin' bits and found only a couple of exploits on my own. Of course I just said negative. But the truth is very disturbing.
As if I'm not having enough headaches, there comes another competition that decided to play in my porch.
Now I ain't gonna be no skitty-skatty kat friendly on'em.

It was my freakin' third day, aaaand it kinda spoilt my day.
Some bitch'ass boss decided to said I didn't bothered to do a lot of stuff. And the user can claim that I didn't do anything at all.
Now what I did, is just do what I can to meet up to the home-based personals' standards, and put them as priority.
Aaaand that's it. After that, it's just simply adios Brasilia, good luck with that ziggadooo place.

Anyway, I've been reading up on how to use the tools. Getting to analyze the data isn't part of my plan yet. Decided to start doing that next week.

Sometimes, I do love my job to a certain extend.
Piiggla-ganga, bitches!!!

Been trying to learn how to perform memory dump forensics. But I'm still no good at it. I guess it's back to the textbook.
This weekend, I'm slacking my way off.
Just had a little bit of motivation left for a Monday.

Becoming less crazy just isn't my style.
Now I'm feeling real broke. And my allowances still hasn't got approved. Shoulda send'em early once I touched down.
Many things happened, no doubt. BUT!! I still have my contract to worry about.

End it all

And now it comes to a point, we'll just end it all.

Just said there's nothin' good about me!
The only good thing about me is able to solve her IT problems. How cruel is that?

She's been patient with me, faithful enough, trying to held on to this relationship that's not going anywhere. Yet the key problem is still me I guess.

Oh well, she's gone. And now it's back to returning each other our gifts I supposed. If that's what she wants...

And now, I'm having many job opportunities. Anyway, I gotta stop all the whining and get my ass back to work.

Having many things to see to, I'm starting to get a little way ahead of myself.

Back to nothing again

So, what else is new?
Till now, she just refuse to give me what I want.
Just an answer to Yes or No if she really wants me to go. I will go, but I just want an answer.
THAT'S IT! A fuckin' answer. But NOOOO!!!

She rather chose to make things hard again.  It's just a YES or a NO!!

She rather break it down to "Again" and "Up to you" and screw things up all over again.

All I wanted is just a simple "YES" and I'll let it slide.
She CAN express herself, but she just DON'T WANT TO. Rather fuck it all up.

Yeah, everyone's been telling me that she's not even trying last night. I tried to get her to give me and answer. But Nooo~.
It's always the usual "You can say what you want, up to you" line.
It proves everyone's theory right.
Now, as she said that she has strong feelings for me. Is it real? Is it even mutual? Why can't she try to make me feel it? Or just expect me to know what she's thinking overnight.
I don't think so. I always told her to just say it out. Tell me something instead of those usual lines. And now she's asking me, What do I want?

Talking to her makes me feels as if I'm talking to a wall. I expect an opinion, discuss things just like any other couple.
I want a second opinion. Instead of showing concern if I'll be busy, any difficulties in my leave application like what she used to, she'll just say "Up to you".
And the reason was EPIC... that I should know as I'm already an adult.
I was just trying to re-create the mood and feeling we had just as we started out in this relationship. I've been doing that for so long, and now all she can say is it's all Up to me??? Really?

Now I'm trying to keep this relationship alive. Knowing she's already stressed up, just trying to keep her happy and stuff. That's the least I could do. Now our relationship is a rocky patch. It isn't easy trying to keep up with a long distance relationship. I had to make it feel new, and fresh, and the most important of all, maintaining that same enthusiasm exactly when we first started out.

I'm having all kinds of stress over here too, my life isn't easy either. But enough about my stress, what about her stress.
She told me about her principal seeing her. But she didn't even want to mention about her difficulties.
She don't even want to inform me the first thing when she reached home I don't even know where she is ,worrying about her safety.
By the time she is available to chat, I already am exhausted from the day itself.
Just keeping myself occupied with thoughts of work is bad enough, followed by her safety.

I can't take this anymore. Seriously. I need an even higher dosage of medication, to counter my depression. I tried to think about the times we were so happy being together in Hong Kong. That is the only thing left to keep holding me back. The only thing I can focus on.
I'm really exhausted, both emotionally and mentally.
Can you imagine that with your partner just keep refusing to tell you anything just because you tend to over-reacted at times, but it's all just to show her concern?

I really am exhausted, trying to let it go.
This morning, I keep telling myself. Screw the trip. If she doesn't want me to go that much, just focus on my job. I will never go for another trip ever again. I could have pay more for my debts instead of wasting money on air tickets so she can just fuck up my mood to see her.
Don't like to Skype during lunch? No phone calls? Really?
I tried very hard to resist having negative thoughts. But this is really emotionally taxing.

What else?

Last Saturday, we had a fight again.
Now, it has come to a rather limited mutual understanding of each other's needs.
Just close one eye, and let it slip. Continue and resume the usual nonsense as before.

Aaaand, the other news. Boss is sick, but still, he's cool.
While I had Wendy's Beef Baconator once again! Boy it was good... But previously, it was better when it has triple patties instead of just 2. I won't mind paying extras for that thou.

Did I mentioned that I just re-arranged my bedroom again? But hey, at least I managed to pushed my good'ol TV further back, with enough space for a laptop/keyboard.

Booya!

Baby Shower

OK! Big news!!

Simon, aka my Boss, aka good friend, is going to have a baby.
One more entree for X'Mas!!
Oh yeah! Baby shower!!!

Gotta save up for red packet and some gifts for it.

NOW!!! What's next?

Nothing Good

Nothing good came from her. Now she just lost my phone to some pickpocket.
Yes, in CHINA, land of scumbags, I always said, just be careful. keep your hands in your pockets. She kept saying not everyone are as bad as I thought.
We are living in dangerous times, especially when you're alone in the land of scumbags.

Dropped the idea of Shanghai trip. I don't think I want to get robbed blind anyway.

Care less, enjoy

Been enjoying my work and life. Not much into communicating with her anymore. Communication isn't just recording your smooches and keep saying the same thing. If she don't want to talk about problems and daily stuff, I'm out.
I tried what I can, apparently its she who doesn't get it.
She said I'm not even giving 40% even thou I'm giving everything. Now, i don't even care anymore.

Set a dinner appointment with someone else and enjoyed an evening of a conversation that includes common interests. Not just what we are about to do when I get there.

Anyway, it seems that I have to build another image based on 32-bit edition of Windows 7 by tomorrow. Gotta start all those tweakings. Handing the job to someone else is indeed a chore.

Tired

I am getting tired of caring and it goes unappreciated. I'm starting to take things slow. Anyone noticed the difference might just have to think WHAT THE HELL DO THEY WANT FROM ME?!

Time to put a stop

Been keeping myself busy with testing of new equipments, finally get things to run in Windows 7. Except for some Windows 8 only features.

A colleague gave me a piece of advice on my personal life. Do not bother with expensive gifts. And also, do not put all your eggs in one basket.

That kinda makes sense... and a few things I don't like, no matter how hard I tried to put up with it and move on..
including, dislike children and old people, and 'friends' who meddle with my relationships, and using the F word on me FIRST!

You see, she's a rather contradicting person. She told me it disgust her that I'm having grudges and being insensitive... then again, I didn't see anything wrong with her pushing old women aside.
As for her friends, did she really give up? I'm wondering. Then again, time to put myself back on the market, seek alternatives as plan B.

She didn't really bother to text me anyway, why should I bother much? Maybe giving my attention to other people seems like a better bet.

Care and concern for her family... All I did was plan to gave my nephew my old iPad, and she was like, why not give it to HER niece?
Some kid I never met before, with an asshole as a mom.

Actually, I started to care lesser each and everyday. I'm trying not to put too much hopes onto this relationship. Maybe he's right, ya know?

A month ago, I would have bought her that Note 2 phone. Now? After all those insults from her friend? Nope. I'm keeping my wallet deep down in my pocket.

Give and Take

Just try to mellow down, think things thru perspective

I don't know

She hated the way I curse and swear so naturally. Of course I did, it's been years I've been oppressed by people!

She's been keeping it all to herself, leaving me walking blindly.

I did some soul searching, I want to be with her more badly than ever!
I asked some friends, especially Amy, if I am that arrogant, unapproachable... Yes, she said.
I got to watch my mouth and lower that arrogance... maybe she's right... all these, doesn't suit my knowledge and intelligence...

I tried to change and mellow down serious ever since I talked to her mom...
It's time I start showing more care and concern towards her family and friends...
She need her friends... there's no way she can live like I do.

I don't feel like talking much these days, even people in my office feel that too...

Gone

Last night after the movie, I confessed everything. Told her everything about how I felt... She asked me if I'm looking for companionship or a girlfriend... love doesn't mean just being together, sex and kisses.

I knew that, that's why I'm putting all I have into this relationship. I know I understand love differently, that's why I can only 'love' with limited feelings.
I am constantly learning.
I tried telling her and she tried to cut me off...
I told her I tried 100%... she scoffed at me by saying to her it's not 100%... maybe to her it's not 100% compared to other guys... but this is all I know, and all I have. I'm putting everything into this relationship. I know I'm nothing compared to others, so the least I can do is to giving my best to understand her feelings, being there when she needed support the most.

But everytime I tried to tell her, she kept shutting me off.

I guess we're not meant for each other... this is the real state of our relationship other than those times pretending to be who she's not. I know it's only a matter of time we will face this problem... I just want to let her know what I'm thinking and how I felt.
I just want to be normal, being together, going thru all those problems together, understand her needs and feelings, shower her the love she needs.

I know love to me is different from what love is to her.
Love is something I lack, I have none of my parents attention, no one gave me anything, showered me with care and concern, no one bothers with how I felt.
I recognise these needs and I also try to consider them as 'Love'. I tried.
I asked her to teach me how to 'love'... instead she told me off, as a 33 year old man, it's not learning.... it's the understanding part.
Now that did broke my heart. I kept thinking of how much of a failure I am... as a person.
I tried being positive but her constant negativity keeps putting me at bay.

Yesterday, she tried all ways to avoid holding hands, I asked if there's anything on her mind, she kept saying know. Yet her body language tells me everything... Avoiding of eye contacts, refusing a conversation, everything. I knew something was wrong.

And then she said something is wrong with me, there's something on my mind...
Now I just want to be reasonable and want to find out if there's anything I can do.
But it turns out, perhaps it is she who don't know what she wants... I don't know...
This relationship is hanging by the thread...

I think I've lost her... seriously!

I mean, I got all her hints, the way she talks, the cold treatment she's been giving me... Physically, she's here to celebrate valentine's day with me... but her mind and her heart isn't here... it's as if she's here because she promised to do so... just that...
This isn't the girl that got me falling in love for... I just want to know what's wrong... but she just refused to open up to me no matter how hard I tried opening up to her.

Even if I open up to her, it seems that in her eyes, I'm always a liar.
What had I done to deserve this?

There's no one else I can share with... no one else to talk to... only her. But she treats me just like how others treated me... not taking my feelings seriously... constant cutting me off... is it so hard to find a life partner and a soulmate?

Ponder

I was pondering. I met her for dinner. But she doesn't seem interested. She's rather quiet than before.
And I noticed her finishing half a pack of cigarettes which she received from her uncle yesterday.
I tried asking if there's anything bothering her. She said No.

I can feel a greater distance between us. How can I make her feel better?

I know she asked if my mom is cooking dinner. Then backed out since its too far. I'm not sure if anything happened between us or did she thought of something.

The only time I go her attention is told her that Sally called. Now I'm not keen in contacting Sally.
Now here's the story. 2009, she chose the other guy. 2011, she did it again. And now she called be because she has nobody to talk to.
I just had to break all contacts with her ever since.
Now I'm not keen in her condition, so I just told her I'm happily attached, wished her luck and I am busy right now, then I hung up.

Anyway, people have been telling me not to pin all hopes on her, telling me to look for others. Honestly, that sickens me. ALOT!!

She does has her merits too. Ya' know.

I can't help but to isolate myself from them.
You don't give advices for matters of the heart if you don't consider how both parties feel.

I just want to focus on my job today and spend time with her.
I appreciate the fact that she has been patient with me. I am who I am, even thou I want to be a better person for her.
Its not use telling a person who has nothing, to work for himself, he who has nothing has no MOTIVATION!!
Don't they just get it?
I'm done for the night. I am going to spend some time with her.

New Year

Just when I thought I can move on, and forget the past, I just sent a greetings to one of my ex.
As usual, my previous competitors disappointed her, and she made the wrong choice. But then again, it's her own doing, and I'm just there to send a greetings anyway.
Now, I gotta focus on my current girlfriend.
Tomorrow will be the start of my work week. I'm kind of excited.

My mom's been rather happy with her, along with my grandmother and aunts. I guess that's for now.

TedPool out!!

Now..

Things seem better for us, but her mom left me the impression that they don't like me.
You know, when people said that "he's OK" actually means "go for someone else if possible".

Yesterday, she dropped hints I guess. As in the "told her ex not to contact anymore" the moment she touched down in Hong Kong part. Despite after taking wedding photos.
Not sure if it'll happen to me too.
Was that a hint or am I being too sensitive?
I'm confused right now.

Work to ease my mind

It's the beginning of the holidays, yet I'm return back to work...

Trying to put myself back together, and focus on my job which I've been neglecting recently.

Was issued with this new Samsung Series 9 ultrabook. Awesome product, and I got to build a Windows 7 image over the default Windows 8 to be used in our environment.

Really want to go back

Had an earful of lecture last night, was glad that she called... i know I should have given more space to breath...

Last night, my heart sank when I realized that she's having a severe heartache.
She's all alone over there suffering while I'm nitpicking over every small details.
I should have treated her right.

I wish I can spend time with her...
I want to spend my holidays with her but it seems impossible.

What else can I do but to watch her going back while there's nothing I can do...

I doubt I will even have the chance to even see her off.

What are the chances of me being able to rebuild this relationship? I'm lost.. really.

Trying not to pass on my medication and try to recover.

Meantime, treasure every moments I can salvage. Be someone better for her. This is all I wish to focus on besides work

Things are better

I really want to be together with her.

You know what? I really should learn to think positively.
Giving her all the care I can.
Watch my verbal abusing mouth.
That will be the resolution for this year.
I will try to be the best husband worthy of her love.

Hope?

I don't know. She said she still has feelings for me. What if it's not the same again?
Even if we do patch up, we have to keep this relationship a low profile.
That means, not being able to celebrate together. What's the difference? This defeats the whole meaning of our relationship.

I am so confused. I have no appetite today. Noticed myself losing weight from lack of appetite and sleep.

Moving on? I doubt I can find someone nice like her.

Yes her friends are in the way. What can I do? Even if they're all assholes

Fragments

This will be the very last fragment of memory I keep...

It's over

Great. "It's over" and "NVM" is all I get for loving someone.... what a great start for Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day!!!

And the most sickening part is her friend keeps bashing me all over again!! Fabricating all facts. Bitches.

Friends are glad we never made it to a marriage, as they said that they can easily tell she's not ready to fully commit. Rather plan for outings and gatherings than to reply your own boyfriend. How nice. Better luck!!

Tried but failed

I tried killing myself but I was stopped...
I can't sleep, eat, nor put my mind to rest.

What have I done to deserve this?
What else can I do?
This shouldn't be happening!!

Lonesome

This is one of the most loneliest morning ever.
My phone is quiet, despite the fact I've been frantically looking at it, hoping that she'll call.

It did rang alright, but it wasn't her. My heart sunk into the abyss.
Suicide? Overrated.
Self-pity? not my style.
Hope? I've lost all hope.
All efforts were made to contact her but it's not working.

Teddy

As in why I got the mascot? I want it to be a Valentine's day to be remembered after we got married!!

Funny

And you know what else is funny?
I actually lied to my friend that I'm seeing other girls.
But the truth is, I'm trying to separate work from personal life.
What I really did was to wait for her reply. I just want to be there for her.
Hoping that she'll tell me all of her troubles rather than just the word "STRESSED".
I can be a listening ear. All these while I've tried my best to be encouraging her to do what's best.
BUT!! It backfired on me. Why? I LOST HER THAT'S WHY!!!!!

Losing it

I'm mentally unstable, since I can't control my emotion.
What sickens me is the fact that my own girlfriend started deleting my contact in WeChat, blocked me in Line.
Why? Beats me. It all started when she posted our photo together saying she will always remember the moments we had. Days later, BAM! I see 0 posts.

Not only that, I only caught a glimpse of her uploaded photos before I'm blocked again. No replies, no calls, nothing.
Of course I'm mad. Who won't?
Then, my anger took the better of me.
What else, I guess she wanted to break up with me without my knowledge.

I don't wish to say much when I drop her stuff at her mom's.
I have no mood to say much. Overall, I was really disappointed in this relationship ending up to be in this sorry state.
What had I done? I tried to talk to her. But my anger from my life holds me back. I don't wish to sound offensive to her.
Nightmares of her having an affair just like those before her kept coming up. Why? I don't know.
I can't get any work done today, I just can't get my mind off her and what happened recently.

I know I appear cold to her, but that's because I have no wish to hurt her with my words.
Friends I know aren't reliable when it comes to listening, only make up sarcasms telling me that there are other fishes out in the sea.
The truth is, I just want THIS fish!! I just want to settle down with her.

I know I've mentioned before that I'm gonna be going for sterilizing but then again, I changed my mind. Why? Because it puts a frown on her face.
Everyday I look forward towards this day. THIS DAY!!
I want to fetch her from the airport. But she rejected my intentions, next thing is, I was ignored.

I even tried to find those movies she wanted to watch and try to make the best out of the remaining budget I have to make her happy. But now look what have I DONE??!!

Do I really love her? HELL YEAH!! No one motivates me like how she did. Her smile, laughter, how sweet she is while holding my hands, trying not to let go. Constant reassuring me that I will never be left alone.
I want all these moments back!!! I want it to be forever.

It's live now, for real

After patching everything up, all scans shows positive scans on malware, vulnerabilities and such. Seems that the previous vendor didn't do a good job.
And now, just look forward in setting things up in Taipei remotely.
Gotta take note during the set up and also use more time in going thru all those logs.

Fixing up

Managed to really fix up NetWitness with the help of the product specialist today. Finally its up and working the way we wanted. I just got it updated with TCPdump scripts running, removing the VLAN headers. Learnt some Linux commands as well.

Something for a change

Been working on getting some machines to be infected in order to create a simulation for an outbreak. Wasted time on the search engine but had some impressive searches.
Might just download the toolkit and start learning.

For a start

Well, most probably I'll be posting some conspiracy theories and such. Even thou I knew every posts will be monitored and removed as they see fit, I just wanna let it all out. But hey, who knows? Maybe I might be arrested for espionage or whatever they wanna accuse me of for spreading the truth. Until then, keep posting.